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She found that though most of this group identified as progressive and even feminist, those who cited marriage and children as a goal nonetheless stuck to traditional scripts while dating.
"[T]he message from The Rules was definitely brought up frequently by the women I interviewed," said Dr. "Women worry about appearing too desperate should they decide to pursue a man, and they worry this judgment will come from both men and other women." She stresses that women were, however, "quite active" in securing dates — they would arrange to run into a man they were interested in at a party, for example.
The women believed men naturally want to be the pursuers — as The Rules says — and they were willing to accommodate that and even construct a narrative that hid their own behind-the-scenes orchestrations.The Rules proposes to correct that lack of agency by taking away even more of your agency. Women still don't have a ton of agency in early courtship.In 2014, Ellen Lamont, a sociologist now at Appalachian State University, published two studies of heterosexual dating rituals among young men and women living in the Bay Area.In the intervening years between then and when I my met my (non-loser) husband, I unfortunately had to learn this lesson over and over again: You Are Better Than a Lot of the Men Who Ask You Out.Criticism of The Rules was primarily directed at women — that it encouraged women to play games, that it made women manipulative.
But most of the men claimed that, actually, they didn't like these gender norms in dating. Lamont's female subjects said their experiments in being forward usually didn't get them the outcome they wanted.